Still Feeling Blue?

Do you constantly have the urge do paint your skin blue and have sex with the earth and its creatures while wearing 3D glasses? Were you disappointed on your last trip to the book store when you found out Rosetta Stone doesn't make a Na'vi edition? Do you refer to your social skills as "Unobtainium"?  Nevermind calling your psychotherapist to see what's plaguing you, we here at  your friendly guide to the latest trends, have the diagnosis and it's got nothing to do with murder.  You seem to have come down with decidedly trendly affliction known as Post-Avatar Depression.

I See You...You Appear To Be Crying

You're not alone film fanatics.  Well, okay, you're mostly alone.  Rest assured there are several others like you; those moved to the point of obsession by a cliched plot, breathtaking CGI animation and glow-in-the-dark horses with eight legs instead of four. Ever since James Cameron opened the Pandora's box that  is his multi-billion dollar grossing opus Avatar, impressionable people with nothing better to do have envisioned themselves as inhabitants of a fictional planet rich in natural beauty and ten foot-tall blue people with superior physical skills to someone who just spent three hours gorging themselves on butter-slathered popcorn.

You Could Learn To Be Just Like The Na'vi!

These human specimens who possess the rare ability to care entirely too much about an alien environment while not necessarily exhibiting any sense of urgency about their own, have taken to wallowing in the mire over the fact that they will never be able find themselves in the utopia that exists mostly in the mind of the guy who directed Piranha Part Two: The Spawning. Still, they've grown hostile to their fellow members of the human race who would sooner destroy natural resources  than wait in line to meet Zoe Saldana at the next Comicon just to have that awkward moment when they tell her, "I see you."
While the reality is all too disheartening, most wanNa'vis have found ways of coping with this hip film-based mental illness.  For some it's as simple as listening to Leona Lewis's Celine Dion-esque "I See You" theme on a loop, while others have been forced to give into the realization that Avatar is just Ferngully mixed with Dances With Wolves, and still a few brave souls have pressed on living in their thin blue skin eagerly awaiting the sequel.  Because, really what's more friendly and trendy than not admitting you have a problem in the first place.

Don't Worry, Be Sorry

Greetings sometimes followers of the latest trendly goings on.  It's been far too long since you've seen our smiling faces and glowing witticisms on this here page.  If only there were some way we could make it up to you that didn't involve monetary appropriations or sexual favors.  We've got it!  How about we resume our position as the standard bearers of the latest in all that is both friendly and trendy by posting something new? Sound good? No?  Well, then we guess we're just going to have to offer you a heartfelt apology, which just so happens to be the latest friendly trend in public discourse. 

Say It With Flowers, But Really Sell It With That Pathetic Look On Your Face

Plenty of people in this world are capable of committing unspeakable acts of immorality such as actively engaging in genocide, offering free health care and forgetting to tip their server.  All too often those heinous occurrences go unchecked without even the slightest acknowledgment of any wrongdoing.  Lately though those who have committed a heinous act against their fellow man have seen fit to right their wrongs by publicly proclaiming "mea culpa" for their questionable decisions that stand to jeopardize their status as the world's foremost athlete, restaurant patron, or douchebag tattoo-sleeved guitar player of easy listening music.

Being John Mayer Means Always Having To Say You're Sorry

Whether you've offended people by outing your penis's racist tendencies, not providing boundaries for your penis, or just simply not posting on your blog for a really long time; it's important to acknowledge that the road to ruin was paved with good intentions.  Unfortunately that road is only big enough for penis-shaped cars or vehicles driven by your ego. While you were busy thinking with your genitalia, guitar, and/or wallet your well-intending actions -no matter how private- were busy hurting the feelings of millions of people you have never even met who obviously look up to you as a role model.
The only way to right this wrong is to offer an utterly sincere admission of guilt and probable sex addiction as reasons for your lapse in judgment.  After all, you could've spent so much time being the best you you could be if you weren't so busy looking at porn or shamelessly flirting with the girl you paid to have sex with.
So how does one offer a sincere apology to those  wronged souls also known as sponsors, professional sports associations, or Twitter followers?  Well, there are several different methods sweeping the nation:

Tiger Woods: Mastered The No. 1 At Oakmont and The Art of the Press Conference

The most popular and readily available is the press conference.  The media loves a good admission of wrongdoing and what better way to do it in real-time in front of cameras and microphones before the entire world.  Not only will it magnify the extent of whatever you're admitting, but it also makes you seem sorrier. Whether you cheated on your wife  or your SAT's and need to tell someone, there's a good chance ESPN or TMZ will cover it provided you schedule it during The World Series of Poker or when Britney Spears is not driving to the mall.
The second most popular form of apology is through the purchasing of gifts.  While this form of contrition won't achieve the level of international forgiveness on the scale of a press conference; it goes to show those you have injured that your actions, while selfish, put enough money in your pocket to afford expensive chocolates or a used Mazda Miata. It also helps stimulate the economy, which is always a good thing.

Please Forgive Me!

The third most popular form of forgiveness also happens to be the least beneficial to the economy. It's known as the simple action apology.  The simple action apology is a personal admission of wrongdoing popularly expressed via language or sexual favors and sometimes both.  It requires an audience of five or less and often occurs during an intervention or after the receipt of a credit card bill that reveals frequent trips to the strip club.

Ryan O'Neal and Ali Macgraw Never Apologized To Each Other

Although apologies may be the latest friendly trend, it's important to note that one errs on the side of unpopularity when expressing such regrets to love ones.  After all,  being in love means never having to say you're sorry.

Extreme Makeover: Blog Edition

Hello tried and true Trendliest fans. Have you recently grown a little weary of something in your life that you consider to be the least bit aesthetically undesirable? Maybe you’re still wearing a beehive hairdo (that’s so last year) or the bedroom you sleep in doesn’t look quite enough like the grandstand court at the All England Lawn Tennis Club even though it’s your dream to participate in Wimbledon. Well, we here at Trendliest think it’s time to do something nice for yourself and treat your hair and perhaps the other unsatisfactory areas of your life to the friendliest trend around- a makeover.

This Could Be Your Bedroom

Prior to the advent of television, the idea of changing something about yourself or “making it over” was an idea only associated with escaped convicts. People who got new hairstyles or attitudes were usually arrested and sent back to jail on suspicion of wrongdoing alone. All of this changed thanks to “Sonny and Cher”, who first achieved popularity as a lovable variety-show hosting singing couple, but got career makeovers when Cher morphed into a sailor-banging Academy Award-Winning drag queen and gay icon and Sonny learned how to ski.

Sonny & Cher Pre-Makeover, Post Citizen’s Arrest

One of Cher’s Many Fabulous Makeovers

Many artists followed Sonny and Cher’s example, none so successfully as Madonna who experimented with countless looks and morphed from a younger 20 something-ish dancing whore/sexual icon into an older 50-ish wrinkled dancing whore/sexual icon.

Because of Madonna and Cher’s drastic makeovers in the public eye, television executives thought that making over inanimate objects such as wardrobes, bathrooms, and straight men could be equally as appealing to audiences of popular culture. As a result, the Bravo network was founded and producers immediately got to work on making over everything in sight, starting of course with their offices, which had wallpaper that was a horrible shade of mauve that just had to go.

A Color Swatch of Bravo’s Office Wallpaper

Nowadays if you want to make over anything all you need is a gay friend, a camera crew and Ty Pennington. Luckily for us, we managed to wrangle all three of those things together yesterday, and now Trendliest has a whole new look. We hope you enjoy our makeover…we think it’s a most friendly and trendy site for formerly sore eyes.

Get The Concept

Greetings Tune Trend-ficionados, do you want to hear a little story, but are deathly afraid of risking life, limb and the potential of pesky papercuts from the inevitable page turning that accompanies getting to the nexus of most novellas? First of all, don't even think of listen to those books on tape. There's nothing exciting about listening to the guy who played Q on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" reading Ivanhoe. Wouldn't you rather hear a story simply rocked? Well that's the idea behind Concept Albums, the hottest friendly trend in music that combines two of our favorite things, storytelling and rock and roll. Most of the time they even include our third favorite thing, futuristic robots.

The First Concept Album

The history of the Concept Album is a storied one beginning in the early 1960's when Brian Wilson penned the first one ever for the Beach Boys entitled Surfin' Safari. The album told a story about group of young lads who go on a surfing trip only to have it ruined by futuristic alien robots who steal their girls and take them for a ride in their "409" while the boys are left at the beach to go "Surfin'" and wonder if they'll see the girls later at the "County Fair." The album was met with extreme critical praise, but the fans just didn't get it and thus The Beach Boys never broke through into the mainstream.

A Futuristic Robot Cavorts With A Beach Boy's Girlfriend

It would take almost another fifteen years before another band had the courage to take their crack at the concept album. That band was Rush and that album was 2112. The combined efforts of Neil Peart on Drums, Geddy Lee on Bass/Vocals, and Alex Lifeson on the guitar crafted a sublime tale of a Canada run by an evil Robotic overlord who was surprisingly unfuturistic for the times, hell bent on declaring all out war on Greenland on New Year's Eve 2111. This album blew away the critics and was embraced by fans sweeping both the Grammy Awards and Juno Awards from 1976 to 1978.

Rush: Masters of The Concept Album

After Rush's masterpiece Concept Albums were seen as a lost art. One artist even made an entire career out of failed concept albums. Pop star Chris Gaines released 15 albums as his country alter ego Garth Brooks, yet never achieved any measure of critical acclaim comparable to 2112. He even tried releasing one last ditch attempt under his own name entitled Chris Gaines Is A Futuristic Robot that combined simple pop/country with Electronica but to no avail. Many groups have since failed at making concept albums. Radiohead's 1997 effort OK Computer, which told the story of the world being set back to 1900 because of the Y2K bug was seen as laughable and completely unrealistic, but still retains a cult following today.

Garth Brooks: Chris Gaines' Unsuccessful Alter Ego

The most recent semi-successful attempt at a concept album was Michael Jackson's Thriller: 25th Anniversary Edition, which is a tale about a talented African-American who decides he wants to be a talented, mostly bizarre caucasian; yet twenty five years later he comes back around and decides to be African-American again only to find out that the only way he can do so is to become a futuristic robot

Yes, trendlies and trendtleman, it's a rare occasion that an artist makes a successful concept album, so we suggest you jump on this friendly trend right away, because like concept albums themselves, it may only last for an hour or two.

Opposites Attract

Hey Untrendly Haters, What's down? We here at Trendliest hope you're having the positively dreadful day that you don't deserve. Say you readers seem to be a little confused. We're not accusing you of disliking our site or saying we hope your life is awful (or aren't we?), but if that's what you took from the first sentence, you obviously haven't caught up to the latest conversational trend...declaring opposite day.

Marie Antoinette Choosing Her Words Carefully...But Not Carefully Enough

Opposite day is when you don't mean anything you say, but rather the exact opposite. It was first utilized by Marie Antoinette during the French Revolution as "le jour contraire", when she uttered the famous words "let them eat cake" referring to the peasant class. Unaware that the peasant class had no knowledge of the new aristocratic practice they were insulted by the Queen's ignorance to their plight. That being said, the intended sentiment of "Let them eat feces" probably would have resulted in a much more swift death via guillotine.

Herbert Hoover: Staunch Proponent of Opposite Day

The practice of Le Jour Contraire traveled overseas in time for the 1928 Presidential Election when Herbert Hoover declared that every American family would have "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," after which he was heard uttering sinisterly to a campaign staffer, "I hate opposite day..ha...ha". Again, unaware of what day it was, the country bought Hoover's message of hope, hook, line, and sinker. Nearly a year later the country was mired in the Great Depression or as Hoover referred to it in other prominent addresses to a struggling nation, "The Wee Excitement." Nearly Fifty years later Ronald Reagan famously invoked opposite day rules yet again when speaking of "trickle-down economics."

Unbeknownst To Half Of This Crowd...They Were Rooting For The Same Person

Until recently, the mystery of Opposite Day was hidden in the Presidential Book of Secrets, though a few fellow politicians that happened to be members of The Skulls starring Joshua Jackson, shared the clandestine code with fellow fraternity members who in trying to lessen the organization's iron clad grip on their lives leaked it's practice to the proletariat and elementary school children. The trend spread so fast throughout the country without the proper rules for it's use being disseminated. This situation came to a head during the 2000 Presidential election when the majority of voters were unaware that they were voting on an opposite day (with opposite side of the street parking rules in effect) and stamped their ballots for Al Gore accidentally handing over the reins of the position of most powerful office in the world to George W. Bush. Luckily, Mr. Bush ended up being the right man for the job, leading the United States and the world to eight years of peace and prosperity...and really there's nothing more trendly than peace, prosperity and continued economic gain...well, except for opposite day.

Careers: First Base Coach

Hey couch Trend-thletes, Do you spend the majority of your day touching your testicles, occasionally brushing your nose and brim of your hat while you watch baseball? If you do, odds are you're looking for a way to parlay those particular talents into at least a summer job. While we here at Trendliest have certainly felt your unemployed pain, we don't like to see you sitting around dilly-dallying in misery. Instead we went out and found you a trendly job option that puts your skill set to good use and leaves you firmly entrenched on an upwardly mobile career path...or should we maybe say base path. Your "search" for employment is over! You're qualified for the trendliest job in sports- First Base Coach.

The First Base coach occupation actually evolved from that of a sexual education teacher. Abner Doubleday, a decorated General who is said to have invented the game of Baseball, was known as a bit of a Casanova in his time spent at Fort Sumter. He spent a great deal of the downtime showing his fellow soldiers how to "french kiss" or as he referred to it, "getting to first base" and was thence given the title "First Base Coach" for that very reason.

Abner Doubleday: Master of First Base and Entendre

It's a little known fact that in the first game of baseball ever played, batsmen were not "safe at first" until they convinced the player covering the bag to engage in a heated make-out session before being tagged with the ball. Likewise, a player was not safe at second until he felt the second basemen over the shirt, which may have had something to do with the game resulting in a scoreless tie.

Most First Base Coaches today start off as actual baseball players who have less than fruitful major or minor league careers. As a result of their lack of prestige as players, these former players are not in high demand for careers as broadcasters or head managerial positions. Fortunately, organizations throw them a bone and allow them to stand by first base and pretend that they're giving valuable advice to players who have the talent to place the ball in a strategic spot within the field of play. This allows them to feel close to the game and that they're providing a indispensable service to the team by keeping their players at ease while on the basepath.

A First Base Coach Hard At Work

Additionally, while a batter is at the plate. the First Base Coach gets to do all of the crotch tugging and brim stroking he wants under the guise that he's "giving signs." In actuality, that's the third base coach's job. The First Base Coach is a living, breathing, spitting, ear-tugging diversion.

Despite, the reliance on former athletes to fill the role of First Base coach, owners and general managers alike have taken to hiring people with little to no experience for the position, so long as they have an outgoing personality, a basic understanding of the game or a season of little league under their belt. Did we mention that First base coaches can make upwards of around $450,000 a year? Now that's a salary you could live on for doing a job that demands virtually no effort and transforms your need repeatedly adjust your junk in public into a socially acceptable practice. Now that's what we call trendly!

Places: Selma, Alabama

Why hello there residents of Trend York City. Does your 40-hour-a-week job as an architect and second job selling hot roasted nuts barely net you enough money to keep that roof over your head and your tummy full of top ramen? Perhaps your current place of residence doesn't allow for the suitable quality of life that usually comes commensurate with your salary. Maybe you're looking for a cheaper locale in which you can get your career moving, settle down with a wife and 4.3 children, or just be a hip urban youngster enjoying the prime of your youth.

Well, if one of those three things sounds like what you're after....then we've got just the place for you to realize your American Dream. We here at Trendliest reckon you should be headed for a place where your money will go miles further than most other urban areas... a place like Selma, Alabama.

Welcome To Selma, Alabama!

Not only is this southern city located on the muddy banks of the Mississippi, a historical landmark, but the "Butterfly Capital of the World" is practically begging to be gentrified....by you! If you've been living in a bubble...or Selma, Alabama and have no idea what gentrification is, it's the process whereby young socially tolerant, upwardly-mobile (not Mobile, Alabama) white people take up residence in urban areas occupied largely by minorities and force that area's minorities out by opening watering holes with indie-rock jukeboxes so that other young, hip, white people might feel comfortable should they decide to move to said town.

Yes there'll plenty to do in Selma, Alabama once you've moved there and opened a record store or co-founded a blog about being a big city transplant in the deep south that will be read by a wide variety of northeastern hipsters who enjoy laughing at the differences they have with people less fortunate than them. This will naturally lead to a lucrative book deal and a film franchise starring the enchanting Reese Witherspoon.

Prius Fast! Prius Fast! Thank God Almighty, I Drive My Prius Fast!

While acclimating yourself to your new southern surroundings you should also have the opportunity to fight off advances from the local Ku Klux Klan chapter who will no doubt try to initiate you into their organization or even re-enact Martin Luther King Jr.'s historic March on Selma by driving your Prius back and forth in between there and Montgomery.

If all of that activity is not your speed, you can just stay home and sit on the porch enjoying that beautiful southern scenery while ironically listening to "Sweet Home Alabama" on your iPod whilst wearing a confederate flag t-shirt. Now if movin' your hide down to Selma, Alabama don't sound trendly to you, maybe we're just whistlin' dixie.

Methods: Making Lists

Hey trend-thusiasts, do you know what's important to you? More importantly, do you know in what order those things are important to you? If you said no, or you're still not sure perhaps you should attempt to use the trendliest way of ranking things - making a list.

Behold, The Original Copy of Ten Things You Shouldn't Do!

Ever since Moses led the Jews out of Egypt on the heels of making a list of "The Ten Things that Would Totally Suck if they Befell the Egyptians for not Letting My People Go" (more recently known as "The Ten Plagues" thanks to that movie with Charlton Heston) making lists has been totally trendly. While Moses was the original list-maker he was soon trumped by the man upstairs who made a list of "Ten Things People Shouldn't Do" (more recently known as "The Ten Commandments" thanks to that movie with Charlton Heston). This list was so rife with important items such as #1: Thou Shalt Not Kill and #11: Don't Eat Shellfish that they became

so much engrained into the collective conscious of mankind that today they are referred to as "common sense" thanks to the handy pamphlet by Thomas"Charlton" Paine.

Bea Arthur #2 On The Hottest 100 of 1976...Can you guess who was #1?
(Hint: It rhymes with Harrah Hawcett)

Lists have gone through a complete evolution since the days of yore and while most people ignore that formerly trendly "common sense" list, the advent of post-its and magazines has given new life to the process of making lists. Lists not only help by numerically telling people what to do and how to do said things, but they also serve to help by telling people the order of betterness or importance where most things in the world stand. Without lists we'd never be able to know who the "Hottest 100 Women" in the world are in any given year or who the "Best College Football Team" is on a week-by-week basis. Why without lists most people would resemble a lost puppy shopping for groceries in the woods.

Ol' St. Nick: The Most Scrupulous Listmaker of Them All

Perhaps the most successful utilizer of the eternal list craze is Santa Claus, who makes two lists each year, one consisting of those who are naughty and one consisting of those who are less naughty. Not only does he bother to make this list, but he checks it twice just to be sure it's
accurate, which is more than can be said for those who compile Spin Magazine's annual "Top 40 Albums of the Year" list.

Furniture: Nightstands

Hello my In-trend-ior decorators. Do you wake up in the middle of the night reaching for a glass of water or that book you want to read only to find it resting on your carpet below your bed? Are you looking for the perfect bedroom accessory to complement your cushy queen-sized? If these two terrible problems are a plague on your house, perhaps you should invest in the fanciest furniture find that trendsetters everywhere are investing in...nightstands.

Nightstands were originally invented by pimps as a a place for their prostitutes and gigolos to keep their condoms as they repeatedly engaged in one night stands...which is where the term "Nightstand" actually comes from. With the sexual revolution raging out of control in the 1970's and with key parties being all the rage, nightstands moved out of brothels and into the bedrooms of promiscuous couples as a way of telling their more kinky friends that they were down for anything. As a result these "nightstands" were always them stocked with condoms, multiple copies of "I'm Okay, You're Okay" and an autographed picture of Larry from Three's Company.

"You Can Knock On My Door Or Reach For My Nightstand Anyday"

However, with Reagan's election in the 1980's sexual repression hit a new high and people began reading in bed rather than utilizing it's springs. It was all reading glasses and Robert Ludlum novels for the next 15 years or so.

Today sexual morés have relaxed once again and as long as you don't have a ice pick in the draw of your night stand most people would be glad to take a spin on your tempur-pedic as long as you've got the right stuff inside your one night stand...making them totally trendly yet again.,

Literature: Magazines

Hello trendliest fans. Do you love reading but hate all of the distraction created by the radioactive glow of the Internet and the overall length of books? Is The Da Vinci Code too complex for a delicate mind such as your own that would rather be indulging in important matters such as finding out which sexy starlet prefers dating normal guys and what the best ways are to tell if your man is cheating? Maybe you'd even like to read lists alerting you to all the up and coming travel destinations, Strokes albums or STD's that are going to be cool in the coming year? Well, if all of this sounds appealing to you, maybe we can interest you in the friendliest literary trend to hit the shelves since road maps....the magazine.

Silas Marner by George Eliot killed more people than The Scabies Epidemic

Magazines have been around ever since the 1880's when most human beings were illiterate. To most of the illiterati, reading a lengthy book such as Watership Down, The Joy of Sex, or Silas Marner was equated with death, because it took so long to sound the words out. Most people only read one book in their lifetime. The publishing industry swiftly responded by releasing Life Magazine which mostly consisted of pretty pictures of nature and people dying while not reading. This remedied the death sentence which was the practice of reading anything by Steinbeck.

It took a long time for the magazine industry to flourish as there was much disease and strife on the industrialized landscape. The only interest most people had was "life" since it was so precious and fleeting, they didn't have time to focus on their "House & Garden" or even "Juggs". For a brief spell in the 1940's "War" and "Japanese Internment Monthly" were a big hit on the periodical front with a great deal of Americans, but "Life" was still the most popular focus of the widespread masses.

Some Magazines Have No Target Audience

With Post-WWII prosperity, the magazine industry really took off. People finally had the money to focus on other interests like themselves, model trains, fields, streams, and mercenary work. Nowadays, with scores of technological advances the choices of hobbies and the magazines that reflect them are infinite. Why there are nearly 70 magazines about staying "In Touch" with what our favorite "Entertainment" stars are up to "weekly" and nearly as many that serve the sole purpose of allowing teen girls to relay embarrassing stories of getting their period. So what are your interests? No matter what you're into, whether you like Lizards or Country Rock there's probably a magazine you can pick up to read all about it in short bursts, because reading a book about those would most certainly take up way too much time. And as we all know...we need that time to live, because life will always be trendly, provided there are plenty of pictures.